(Petrie Hosken, LBC Radio, tx 21 October 2013)


I was telling your lady
on the phone
I’ve made arrangements for myself
I’m nearly eighty

and I know about this all this
kind of thing
because I read about it
in a newspaper
called UK Column

and there’s nothing but
corruption and Stalinism
in this country

so I’m very lucky really
I’m a diabetic
and I’ve got lots of insulin
in the house
so when the time comes
I shall use it
[oh no]

oh yes
and before I do it
I shall write a letter
to the local council
and the local paper
and accuse them of murder

I shall do that
because it’s all I can do
to save my children
from going on the street
and I don’t want that to happen
at all

and there won’t be just me
there’ll be many many more
people like me
who are doing it

not yet
there’s no reason for it yet
but if anything happened
and I realised the time was up
that’s what I would do

Lizzie can you hear me?

(Doctors, BBC1, tx 22 October 2013)


Lizzie can you hear me?
Lizzie wake up for me
what did you do to her?
she got stressed out and fainted

maybe she doesn’t want to be woken
she likes to hide from the world
what made her fall asleep?
she couldn’t bear to hear it

it was as if she was somewhere else
she smiled and lost consciousness
you’ve been unconscious some time
she likes to hide from the world

is that where you think she is?
she’s still not talking to me
I know you find talking
on the phone impossible

but I have email here
I have your prescription here
and you can come back and see me
I hope you were careful

someone with a proper job
someone who can pay the rent
why don’t I deal with this?
let’s see what we’ve got

I could try you something for next week
do you want to take a seat
you are usually so well organised
would you like to go through?

Lizzie can you hear me?
Lizzie wake up for me
Lizzie can you hear me?
Lizzie wake up for me

Life of Barrymore

(Jeremy Kyle Celebrity Special, ITV, tx 9 June 2014)


this wasn’t supposed to be like this
I’m sorry
trouble with having a gap decade off is
I haven’t really got myself back and err
in front of an audience err
I’ve been off
oh God
when it came in the first couple of times
I said no
and I’d been offered some other chat shows
and I said no
cos, erm, I’ve got myself really well
the last three years
and it’s the first time I’ve been on my own
it’s just me
it’s just me and Dave
my dog
my little Jack Russell
I’ve got to a place I’ve got my flat in town
I just spent time wandering around being
Michael Barrymore
I just
and I didn’t think I could be on my own
and I got there
and I was quite
I don’t sit waiting for the phone to ring
I don’t ask for anything
or expect anything
pull yourself together
I er, Christ!
what is this going to look like?

* * * *

I was so regimented
right down to
I didn’t even choose my clothes
I mean she would pick my clothes for me
in the studio
I go into wardrobe
they put a suit on to me that had been selected
I didn’t even check the mirror
to have a look at the suit
you can tell
I do it myself now
she’d go “yeah that’s fine”
don’t do that
don’t mix with them
and I did
and it worked

* * * *

there were about eight people
there was eight people
and then errrmm
a couple went out
I said there’s towels there if you want to use the
if you look at it
it’s built round
built in to the edge of the pool
I didn’t go there
various ones went there
obviously Stuart did
and a couple of the other guys as well
I went with a couple of lads down here
and had a joint
which I later admitted to
and we smoke the joint
and the others was doing whatever they was doing
and then I said to the, to the lads
oh do you want to go in the Jacuzzi
said OK
walked back up the top here
and there was one of… there was a new master being
built down here

the other one was up in the top corner up here right?
went in there, got some towels, said there are some
shorts here if you want them
walked out
and as we walked out we looked down
you see where those two plug things are there?
and Stuart was there
seeming you know like lying
you can’t judge from the depth of the water
that’s the deep end by the way
I just froze
that was my very first thought
and a weird thought went through my head
thinking that
not that I’ve ever had anything to compare it to that,
I’ve never seen a body float in my life
I thought that they float down like that
I didn’t know
I mean I knew it wasn’t good
it was like, it was like
laying like, like that way
so I just found it a bit strange that I could
you know looking down
and I went oh
well you can imagine the words that come out
at that point
I ran back into the house
to get help
and then the two boys
started giving him CPR
and then the ambulance was called for
and then in turn called the police
and I was still on this side
just in complete shock

* * * *

the first thing I did wasn’t run away
the first thing I did was to get help
they don’t write that
they’ve never written that
I’m in the middle of a case right now
which I’ve been working on for three years
for wrongful arrest against the Essex police
the rape and murder
well someone has to be murdered and someone has to
be raped
to even, to even make that allegation
the one thing that the tabloids went for me
have succeeded in
they did wipe
wipe out my career
but they did not wipe me out
I’m still here
you know they called me
they call me shamed, disgraced, fallen
it’s they who are shamed, they who are disgraced, they
who are fallen
the News of the World is gone
I haven’t